Christmas Eating Tips

Hi folks and welcome to another Simpsons On Sundays post. Well, it’s Christmas day and it’s all about eating and drinking and opening presents. Right? The last time Christmas fell on a Sunday was in 2016 and before that it was 2011, when I had strep throat. I had never had it in my life before then and I don’t wish that on anyone, unless you have always wanted that deep radio voice that you could only get by smoking copious amounts of cigarettes every day. I don’t smoke and I have no intention of starting, even weed as I have no need to get high. Actually, I did try smoking cigarettes when I was 23 (so briefly it was a blip) and my brand was Benson & Hedges. I didn’t get a buzz or anything so, I quit. Actually, the only buzz I got was being outside in the summer and lighting up.

On the birthday front, Harry Shearer turned 79 years old on Friday and we all know who he voices on The Simpsons. Right?

This week, it is all about holiday eating tips which I had found in my Facebook memories on December 18th and I thought I’d share them here. Besides, I find them hilarious, as they play into our natural loss of inhibition when it comes to consumption of food at this time of year. Of course, Homer would eat anything, especially pork chops even at Christmas so, these tips don’t exactly apply to him, but I thought I would include them here because it made me laugh the first time I had come across it in 2019.. besides, Homer has no compunctions about eating at any time of the year. Right

HOLIDAY EATING TIPS

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately.. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It’s rare. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It’s a treat.. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Holiday party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day ?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:

“Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate and wine in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO HOO what a ride!”

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

By the way, i have something for the adults in the room and please, watch this when the kids are busy playing with their toys and stuff, as this is a deconstruction of a classic Christmas poem. You know? That classic set of poetry couplets about the big guy coming down the chimney, basically breaking and entering in order to deliver presents. There are some other things which are wrong about this piece of classic Christmas poetry, but I’ll leave you to it, to give this video a watch and a listen. https://youtu.be/G4F50U21DPM

On a similar note, here is the same poem, recited by a punk rock icon in 1995. If you haven’t heard of Henry Rollins, why not? If you have, you know what you’re in for when he used to make music and is now a radio and TV personality, along with doing spoken word shows about all sorts of topics, of course including music and I’ve been to one of his shows in 2004. I strongly recommend purchasing his 1998 album Think Tank, where he goes on about all sorts of things in a humourous way. Yes, he has a few stories from the road and one about a 17-year-old boy from Melbourne Australia with leukaemia who he came to visit in the hospital before the boy passed away a while after the visit. Anyway, here yah go and merry Christmas to all and to all a good day. https://youtu.be/D0kSdTjGwts

… The First Episode… 30th anniversary

Hi folks and welcome to another Simpsons Sunday post, on a Tuesday. Yes, I know but, this post is special… marking an important anniversary. After all, I did give a hint that there may be something coming today, during the previous post. Right?

Unfortunately, since then, we have had a death in our TV family. Caroll Spinney, who both voiced and muppeteered the characters Oscar the Grouch and Big Bird, passed away on December 8th. I’m still not sure what he died of but, for the past 4 years or so he was diagnosed with dystonia, which I had never heard of until I found out about a year or two after the diagnosis. For me, it is a loss of a classic voice from an era of Sesame Street I enjoyed as a boy and now, Frank Oz is the last living original voice and puppeteer/ muppeteer… from my classic era of the show, now that: Jim Hensen, Jerry Nelson and Richard Hunt have passed away. Of course, I will always remember how Big Bird always screwed up his friend Mr. Hooper’s last name, as a running gag and I don’t need to tell you, what an affect it had on him, when Mr. Hooper died. Right? Just do a Google search on the Thanks Giving episode, where Mr. Hooper’s death is revealed and if you watch any Youtube videos of the segment, you will notice the marked change in tone, when Big Bird indicates how excited he is to give his drawing of Mr. Hooper… to Mr. Looper, I mean Hooper. Need I say more?

On the birthday front, singer and song writer Ted Nugent turn another year older on Friday. Of course, we know him for his music and great songs like Strangle Hold and Cat Scratch Fever, which was covered (respectfully) by Pantera in 1999. Ted even jammed on that song, during the end of the episode Politically Inept, with Homer Simpson, which I thought was really cool because I like both the original and the Pantera cover, equally. I called into a metal show on a rock radio station in St Catharines which I listen to, around the time Pantera was about to release their final album Reinventing The Steel and I was asked if I had thought the cover would be an indication of where the band was going. I said know, despite the success of Fear Factory and their cover of the classic Gary Numan track Cars, which Irritated most fans but, I didn’t mind it because I like the song. Back to Ted Nugent, he also appeared on the Season 19 episode I Don’t Wanna Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, also with Dana Gould guest starring with him on both episodes. Hmm!

Well, did you watch the latest episode? Bobby, It’s Cold Outside is another steller Christmas episode and, another steller Sideshow Bob episode too. However, the villain isn’t Sideshow Bob, stealing Christmas presents from Springfield citizens. It’s another couple of SB’s.

Now, let’s get to the anniversary at hand, as it was 30 years ago today, that the episode Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire aired and is the pilot episode, as well as being a Christmas episode. Basically, Christmas isn’t quite so merry for The simpson family, when Mr. Burns decides to cut the Christmas bonuses, and Marge has to spend the family’s Christmas savings to erase a tattoo which Bart thought would make a great Christmas present, as it would say “Mother”. In order to hide the fact he didn’t get the bonus, Homer (thanks to Barney) decides to take a second job as a mall Santa. Unfortunately, Homer only has $13.00 to spend and bets it all on a dog named Santa’s Little Helper, who loses. Then, becomes a Simpsons family pet.

That’s the basics of the episode and I encourage anyone who has the Disney+ app to download it and watch the episode in its entirety, unless you are like me and you have it either from iTunes or on DVD. Here are some things I thought were outstanding about the episode and had shown the way forward, from the Tracey Ullman shorts. Yes, I’ve said it before in past posts but, I think it is worth repeating here.

First, we notice that the characters have changed somewhat from The Tracy Ullman shorts. Bart isn’t just the bratty brother, terrorizing Lisa and Lisa isn’t the female Bart like she was during this period.
Bart does show some compassion for his father, when Homer finds out that his job as a mall Santa only gives him a pay of $13, when he says in a sad tone of voice “come on, Dad. Let’s go home.” When Aunt Patty is trashing Homer Lisa gives one of her more intellectual speeches which confuses Patty.
We also are introduced to: Barney, Mr. Burns, Principal Skinner, Waylon Smithers, Milhouse, Patty and Selma Bouvier and Moe the bartender.
Something I had been thinking about while composing this post, is when Milhouse dared BART to rip off Santa’s beard, revealing his father as… Santa. Homer was angered but, he took Bart aside and told him calmly why he was doing this, after Bart had confessed that he didn’t know it was Homer.

Also, Bart singing the more juvenile version of Jingle Bells. You know? The one that goes “jingle bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg?” This version was later heard in the Season 5 episode $pringfield (Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Legalized Gambling), as sung by the late Robert Goulet. I forget how old I was when I had learned that version of the song but, I will never forget those lines, up to “the Joker got away.” I’ve heard some version of the rest of the chorus of the juvenile version of the song but, I can’t be certain unless I do a Google search sometime.

Speaking of juvenility, what about the version of Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer which appears at the end of the episode? I clearly remember that and all of the little sayings at the end of each line. For example: “Rudolph the red nosed reindeer
Had a very shiny nose,
And if you ever saw it,
You would even say it glows.” Bart then pipes up “Like a lightbulb!” I think I may have heard that version when I was either 8 or 9, in the early 80s and the staff at my school took it in stride, when some kids sang it during Christmas parties we would have, either in the residence or elsewhere. I wonder what kind of miscreant invented the juvenile lyrics, which we hear, between the actual lines we sing? Either way, I love The Simpsons version as even Homer screws up his lines in the song. Obviously, the actual song doesn’t go “Rudolph get your nose over here”, but it’s funny all the same. Then, it ends with Homer strangling Bart, after the boy adds his own ending to the song.

It’s a great episode and in about 12 hours, it will be exactly 30 years since it aired. I will be watching it and I hope you do too. Also, have a great Christmas and be safe.